It's weird how life works. How we allow people and situations to stand in the way of our dreams. Our body tells us when a relationship is not healthy but we do not always listen. Why is that? Our intuition is so loud sometimes, yet we turn down the volume. Below you will find some of the answers I get through surveys.
The question is "Why do you stay in a bad relationship"?
I don't want to be lonely.
I want to have someone in my life.
I don't want to do things alone.
I don't want to be alone forever.
How will I pay the bills on my own?
My question to you is - "Is it worth it"? What is healthier, being in a bad relationship or being alone (lonely)? I want you to ponder that. If you are in a bad or unhealthy relationship right now, think about it. List the pros and the cons on a sheet of paper or on your computer. If the con side far outweighs the pros, figure out why you are staying. Shouldn't you be running as fast as you can? I know it's not always easy. Sometimes there are children involved or a lot of assets. Some of you may just not want to hurt the other person so you stay in the relationship and hurt yourself instead.
Getting out of a bad relationship is the same as setting other goals. First you must start with thinking about what you do want out of life. You must set the goal. Begin taking steps, big or small, and then take action.
You now have two choices. Do you want to make this relationship work (is it worth it?) or do you want to move on? Answering that question is the first step. You must make that decision. Once you make that decision it's time to set some serious goals.
I believe in focusing on the positive. However for this list, you need to first think of some negatives so that they could be changed into positives.
Begin putting a list together of all the things you do not like about your relationship. What drives you over the deep edge? What makes you unhappy or makes you cringe? What makes you know that this relationship is not healthy?
Once you complete the Negative list, it's time for a Positive list. What makes you happy in this relationship? What does he/she do that makes you happy? What good qualities does this person possess? What good times do you have together?
This is your Pros and Cons list aka Positives and Negatives list.
If you plan on Staying and making it work.
Go over your negatives (cons) list and really think about everything that is on that list. Does it really matter if there is toothpaste splatter all over the sink and mirror? Is the toilet seat being kept up really a major issue? Is the fact that she hangs her pantyhose all over the bathroom a real problem? When he shaves and there are little hairs on the sink top, is that really a reason for breakup? When she asks you to do the same thing over and over again, is that really nagging or have you just not done it yet? Go within and really give thought to the issues and see if they are issues that you could live with. No one will ever be perfect. This I will guarantee you. If he or she does not cause major life issues, and I'm talking about: Is he or she verbally abusive, mean, nasty, downright rude? Are there issues that are even worse? Is there infidelity in the marriage? Are you going for counseling? I always suggest counseling first because it does help some couples. It is usually the last ditch effort and who knows where it will take you if it is a relationship worth saving. If the other person is not willing to go for counseling, I'd consider changing your mind about staying unless you know there is definite chance for improvement without it. I am not telling you to leave your partner, all I am saying is, really, really think about your situation.
Now, if you have decided I'm definitely staying, then here are some steps I would suggest that you to take.
Start by making a list of all of the positive things about this person.
Why did you fall in love with him/her?
What does he/she do that makes you smile?
Is he/she funny?
Is he/she your best friend or at least one of your friends?
What attracted you to this person?
Start writing down all of the positive things from the past and start appreciating all of those things first. This will put you in a great frame of mind for the present. I always tell my clients not to think about the past. What I mean is the negative past, but I love the positive aspects of the past so by all means think about that for this exercise. Leave the negative past right where it is, in the past. That's the only way this is going to work. Start from this moment on. A relationship filled with grudges can never succeed. The grudges get bigger and bigger as the years go on. If you really want this to work let go of the Ego, let go of Pride. Start from this moment on. Everything that your partner told you that you do not do for them or with them should change NOW! It's not too late if you both want to make it work.
I had a partner that I told many times what I needed from him, and he would not do it. First, he said it was because he couldn't do it immediately after I asked him to because it wouldn't feel like it was coming from him. Then, when it didn't happen for three weeks and I commented again, he called this nagging, he said I needed to remind him and it was my fault. I'm here to tell you right now...if you want it to work, listen to the feedback you get from your partner. Have they told you in the past that you don't appreciate all that they do? Start telling them how much you appreciate them. Have they told you how they just need a little bit of touch every now and then or a hug? Start touching and hugging them. These little things could change your entire relationship. People want to be heard, they also want to be loved. Everyone has a different way of feeling and showing love. I will share that in another article.
Next step.
Make a list of all of the things that this person does now that you are grateful for. It could be as little as throwing out the garbage or washing the dishes. Or it could be as big as providing for the family and being a great father or mother, being the best housewife or partner. Really think about what you are grateful for. This is a very important step on your journey to happiness. Add what you are grateful for to the things that you loved about your partner from the beginning. I am grateful for ___________.
If you plan on leaving.
First make sure that you are positive that this is your decision. Don't jump to any rash decisions. Weigh out all of the options. Again, the pros and cons/positives and negatives list. Do what's right for you. Start this very moment thinking about YOU. Not your spouse, partner or the kids. I know that sounds harsh but you need to take a moment to focus on you. If you don't you will feel overwhelmed and like there is no way out.
If you have any doubt about leaving, this is an exercise that I would suggest you do.
Tony Robbins did something to this effect at a seminar. It definitely had a huge impact on many attendees. We all had our eyes closed and the room was dark. You will be alone so it will be even easier for you. I thought this was a very powerful tool to see a glimpse of the future. I would like you to do something similar. After you read all of this, close your eyes or look at yourself in a mirror and imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years from now. How do you feel? How does your body feel? How is your mind? Take some time to really put yourself there. Then picture yourself in 10 years from now, 15 and 20. How do you feel? I want you to really concentrate on each time frame for more than a few minutes. Really put yourself there. How do you feel? I know that when I did this exercise a while ago, I got a knot in my stomach. I almost felt nauseous and I was crying. I felt more and more unhealthy and unhappy as the years went on in my mind. That's okay. If that is the case- ask yourself - Is this where I am supposed to be? Is this where you want to be? Do you want to feel like that in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years? Don't waste your life away if you are not in the right situation. If you feel sick to your stomach, if you are crying, if you feel like this is so wrong then you need to reevaluate where you want to be in life. This doesn't sound like the person for you. You need to make a change.
If the answer is a surefire yes, that you are leaving, then here are some steps that you will need to take.
Start setting goals.
Find a good lawyer. Find one that will make it a peaceful transition and not cause more trouble within the already unhealthy relationship. You set the ground rules by being fully aware of what you wish to keep and not to keep ahead of time. Be fair, this isn't a battle. This will help you stand your ground though, incase anyone tries to sway you. You know what you want. You need for this divorce to go the way you want it to go. If that is smoothly that is great.
Do you have enough money to leave now? If not, start saving.
Do you have somewhere to go while in transition? If not, do you know where you want to go or could afford to live? In a furnished room, apartment, townhouse, condo, house, with a relative or friend? Will you stay in your home?
Who will be leaving?
These are all very important things to think about.
Do you have children? If so, how will you handle this situation? Will they be with you ½ the time and the other parent the other ½? Do you want sole custody with visitation rights?
Think about all of these things ahead of time so that when you present this to your lawyer and partner you are totally prepared and ready for any questions and comeback. Don't leave any room open for "ifs" and "buts" and negative feedback. Let the other person see that you really planned this out and you are serious. It may be a lot of work for you to do alone but it is worth it to have a calmer break up. You may decide to seek counseling or hire a Life Coach to get you through the transition. Some people think that break ups can't be calm. My belief is it is all in the way you present it. If you're ready to fight - the other person will put on their gloves. If you take a peaceful approach this will sometimes, and I emphasize sometimes, calm the other person down. If not, at least you will be in peace within yourself. Sometimes it just takes some time for the other person to see that you are right. Some will never understand why you are leaving and blame you but that should not stop you from leaving. You may have told them about this problem 100+ times and they still don't know why you are leaving. That's okay. They may never get it. As long as you do what you need to do to take care of you.
Before leaving I would also think about what part you play in this relationship. Do you need some counseling either alone or together? Do you have past issues that interfere with your current situation? Did you pick someone who was wrong for you or is he/she totally right for you and YOU need to change? It's not always the other person. Men and women have different ways of communicating. Please be sure to look within first. Sometimes, we are the cause of a bad relationship. It's hard to accept that but it is sometimes true. Please take that into consideration. What could you change that might ultimately change the relationship? Have you tried this yet or are you just running? There are so many things to take into consideration before ending a relationship.
Good luck with your future. I hope that you either stay in a healthy relationship, make a not so good relationship good, or think about whether you want to stay or go if you are in a bad one. Just be sure to be sure! This is a big decision. Only speak to people who are going to encourage you to do the right thing and be supportive of your choices. Sometimes others will try to talk us into staying in a bad relationship. Sometimes they try to talk us out of a good one. You always want to take others advice into consideration but don't take it to heart. Review it and keep with you what resonates with you, the rest throw out.
I wish you luck on your journey!
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